I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
