Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
