he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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