The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
