my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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