Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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