Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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