At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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