the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
