If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
