You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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