Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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