i need an iv and a liver transplant
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
