I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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