He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
