If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
