also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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