headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
