On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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