there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your penis caused this!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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