I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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