Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
