if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
