Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
