i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
