I got chris browned last night
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
