my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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