I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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