i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
