ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
