You smell like a Billy Joel song
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I want her autograph on my taint
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
