hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
