Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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