so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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