this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
