Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
