I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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