I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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