My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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