Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
