I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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