Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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