I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
