So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
