Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
