She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
