You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
