Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I looked at my own cervix.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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