dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
