Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
