Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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